Cheryl Shops

Heaven must be missing an angel...
...because God knows there were way too many of them on the runway (and in the air) at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Yes, I watched it. My comments:

*Enough with the angels. Remember when Victoria's Secret had the faux-British theme? That was so much classier, and wittier, considering the allusion to Queen Victoria, who was even more of a prude than Queen Elizabeth. I digress. Sending models down the runway with eight-foot feathered wings extending behind them does not make them look like sexy angels; it makes them look like Vegas showgirls.

*What was up with the Batman theme song running throughout?

*My favorite part of the show: Sting "dressing" Giselle and grabbing her ass. Good thing Giselle is such a good sport.

*Also, did anyone notice Sting was wearing a muumuu-like dress? Is this a Tantric thing? Still, he doesn't hold a candle to Vin Diesel in a skirt.

*I also loved the gay Eurotrash dressers backstage.

*God bless Naomi Cambpell, the only Supermodel who still does runway on a fairly regular basis. Just seeing her makes my face light up.

*Ah, the models. What do you need to wear a bra? Breasts! So, we have Giselle, Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks (more on her in a minute), even Liya Kebede. Great. But Jacquetta Wheeler? And Carmen Kass? I had bigger boobs than theirs when I was eight. Were they there for fashion-industry cred? Were they the butt girls? Now, before all the A-cups out there knock me (with all due respect, I would die to go one day without a bra), let's look at the big picture: How are you going to sell a bra if there are no boobs in it? Look at the catalogue--it's all busty chicks. You're an average B-cup; you see Giselle in the Dream Angels demi-cup whatever with cleavage up to her neck; you think, "maybe i can have cleavage up to my neck, too;" and you shell out $40. So, again, you're an average B-cup; you see 105-pounder Jacquetta strutting down the runway with zippo boobage. Do you buy the bra she's wearing? Hell, no! See?

*More on breasts: Wondering how some of those models got implant-like globes? Toupee tape and what stylists refer to as "chicken cutlets," otherwise known as huge silicone boobs that you stick in your bra (and, yes, they bear an uncanny resemblance to chicken cutlets). Check them out here.

*Poor Tyra Banks, the model whose body is probably the closest to the average American woman's (although, again, she's still a model and she's like six feet tall and gorgeous). They gave Tyra all of the "big butt" outfits--there was always a skirt or wrap of some sort disguising her derriere.

*All in all, I'd estimate that there was only about 15 minutes of actual runway time, much like a real fashion show. Did we really need the awful Sting/Mary J. Blige duet and the "backstage cam" that, incredibly, didn't show the models smoking and swilling champagne?

*Still, all of this bitching and you can bet your bippy I'll watch it again next year.